M18

Cheers to 17 days.

2009-05-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

I dont think anyone comes here. Even if there was. You'd probably gotten sick of waiting so long of a post that you decided not to bother.

Just needed somewhere to pen down my thoughts.

Its been a crazy period. I don't know how I might look back in time and feel about this year in my life. I don't even know how to feel about it right now.

But there are now these three subjects: V, M and A. (I hope i'll remember what these stand for at least.)

To M: You bring me the most hope. I might say you are 'the one'. But I am not ready for you yet. You were supposed to appear years later. After I was tired and worn out. You would be the one who would pick me up and tell me its okay. I'm sorry if I seem to be unfair. But this is how I feel today. I hope I feel different tomorrow so that we don't risk you getting hurt.

To V: You bring me the most joy. I was crazy about you. Never knew if you felt as crazy towards you but 5 days ago I thought I did - you did. But now we're down and I don't even feel like I want things to move upwards anymore. I guess we're both tired of each other, tired of having to try and tired of failing. A part of me still hopes that we find hope and love. And I will give you the shot you asked for.

To A: You bring be the most love. You really set the standard in terms of being in love. But love is not all. Don't know if you will ever understand that. Maybe it is better that you don't. I wish you well most of all, wish that you one day find love again.

17 may be wonderful.

Falala with me?

2008-08-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

The Fa La La Song - Jack & Rai

Aye distractions distractions. A million and another of them.

This song is funny. Heard it performed at the Esplanade during the Outdoor Theater launch last Saturday. Only towards the end did I realize that 'Falala' really meant 'Fly'. Somehow I thought it referred to 'fool around' or 'cheat on'. Pessimist have I declined into? I would like to think not.

Enjoyed the performances on Saturday thoroughly. The musicians, the acts, the keyboardist (wait, wasn't that also part of the 'musicians' category? ho ho i think she deserves special mention!), the Olivia's-favourite-singer who cannot wave his hands in the air without looking like a complete monkey, and of course the venue. That stage will always have a special place in my heart. (See! A stage can win my heart but not a person. Sucks)

You would think after one hasn't written on a blog site for such a long time that she'd had a lot to say. Sadly no I don't. In fact, I'd rather not say anything at all. Or not have a blog at all!

Yet, I have so been convinced by textbooks and lecturers that writing and recording down is precious. What is a thought if it isn't written down eh?

So here with my thoughts on the 'Falala Song' I begin my millionth attempt at writing.

2008-01-18T04:44:00.000-08:00

It's just very tiring. Filling my mind with everything but you. Its worse than running and running. At least when I run (which is seldom :P), I think about the destination, where I ran from and for how long more I want to run. But when trying to distract myself, its just no end, don't see the end of the road. Worse than running an endless race. At least if i were running, I'd be physically tired. Don't know where its going.

But I know where it came from. It originated from that mistake. You say it was my fault. Then I say it was so. At least there is then someone to blame. Myself I guess. Mistake followed by mistake.

And still making mistakes. Writing this post is a mistake. Letting it consume me is a mistake. Everything about you was a mistake. Take that. I've said it.

2008-01-09T19:26:00.000-08:00

I suppose I've been aware but not totally conscience that I am one who seldom has lasting relationships. But for someone else to have made that observation about me finally makes it sound like a problem...

I'm not even talking about romantic relationships. Please there is always more to life that those. They happen and yes, they too end quickly most of the time but the other kinds of relationships that also bother me.

Blah Blah Blah. Temperamental me just decided to abandon whatever left I have to say about this issue. I might just discover and then reveal something about me that I don't quite want to deal with right now.

Fix You

2008-01-06T18:07:00.001-08:00

Yes kill me now. Fix You not Fix It.

Aye same la same la.

Sarah2008

2008-01-06T18:03:00.000-08:00

I swear I've no idea how that last post got so huge. Rargh.

Just dawned on me that as I restart blogging here, I'm no longer the same person who used to blog here one year ago. Well all my talk about wanting to find myself again this year is not totally bull but whatever happened the last year does not disappear and its consequences are here to stay. I bet anyone reading this would be wondering what on earth happened in 2007. Well lets just say it was eventful enough to be life-changing. Most years are that way no? Maybe when you're just 19 it is rightfully so.

Could It Be Worse

2008-01-04T10:17:00.001-08:00

"When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?" - Fix It, Coldplay

Now now, I think this world that we live in is rather warped. Sad songs and tales about love ring in our ears day in and day out from the moment we were exposed to mass media. Movies, novels, short-stories, songs and TV drama all tell stories of peoples' hearts being broken and about mistakes one shouldn't have made out of love.

BUT DO WE LEARN?

It is time to get smart.

SSF4G

2008-01-02T08:50:00.000-08:00

Wow this is amazing.

I haven't written in exactly a year.

In fact I had stopped blog-visiting for quite awhile now since school started and all. Thanks to my cousin's still-surviving-blog, I linked to myself and poof! Here I am!

Been tempted recently to find a muse for my rants again. Don't quite want to take anything too public I guess. Cos that would force me to censor some of the things I say about myself? Well on the other hand, who wants to hear about your damn life Sarah?

What a 2007 it was. I guess it was kinda a long break for me. No focus, no direction and in the end... no destination. Gotta stop looking back at regrets and ''could haves''. Ultra determined to get myself back on track this year.

Somehow in the midst of swimming around life without any direction felt really lost towards the end. Like I was no longer who I used to be. What I was doing and what people might have been saying about me were a reflection of someone who I'd never thought I'd become. But thats all going to change.

New Year celebrations might be overrated. I guess some, like me, are just able to find some kinda warped pleasure in 'new beginnings' as cliche as it sounds. Yes change can be made at any point in the year. Yet I find a new year an added incentive to try again or to chart new direction. Though we don't get to start on a clean slate after being tainted by the years of experience, a new year signifies another period of time which one might measure his or her achievements, successes, failures and milestones.

Turning 20, Beijing 2008, F1 Night Racing, School, IFF.... What else will give meaning to this period which will be termed '2008'?

Brace Yourself.

Feels quite good to blog again.

1st day at work!

2007-01-02T07:52:00.001-08:00

actually wanted to post about how tired working 9 hours on my 1st day is.

then i realise. I'M TOO TIRED.

the approaching double-oh-seven

2006-12-29T21:43:00.000-08:00

Hello Hello!
To the honoured few who have found u're way here! Cheery hello to u!

Well well.. haven't been here much. Been busy with various things. Well basically the hong kong trip followed by christmas celebrations and all. But alls been good. Had a lovely time catching up with friends over christmas before 2006 ended.

FYI i'll be in M'sia till new years day ya? Don't miss me too much! I'll be missin ya'll for sure though!

So I've kinda been dreading this whole going to malaysia for countdown thing. Was thinking bout all the fun I would be missin out on and all. But as I'm leaving in a few hours time, I'm kinda glad that I'm going away for a few days. To get away from the whole hectic life out here in Singapore. I guess it'll just be a time for me to be in solice and reflect on the year as I psyche myself up for the year to come.

Okay sounds quite cliche yes.

Intend to take the last few days of the year real slow. Not bother about anything. Just relax and let life catch up with me. 2006 just kinda raced by. So some time will do me good.

OMG u won't believe how calm and buddha-ish i'm feeling now. The religious music playing in the background might have an effect la.

So every year I tackle with similar issues. Just on different levels each year. Well at least I won't really have to tackle with sch that much next year. At least for most of it. 007 looks set to be a good one.

If You Don't, Don't.

2006-12-05T17:42:00.000-08:00

If you don't don't know, why'd you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know, why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight?
If you don't know, honey why'd you just say so?
Cause I need this now, yeah, need this, need this
- Jimmy Eat World - If You Don't, Don't

Labadahdida....

Some people need to be abit more careful and stop lying all the time.
Other people need to smarten up and learn to leave the past behind.

I can't honestly say I don't care. That you might be saying all the hurtful things about me but I don't feel shit. Out of the hurt and the disgust, the most I feel is disappointment. But at least I know that that is really you. You've still a chance to prove me wrong and God I wish you'll take it.

A New Day Has Come

2006-11-26T09:38:00.000-08:00

There are people who matter. And others who don't.

Filter those who don't out and let those who do in.

Thats my post-exam preoccupation.

The Dying Dream

2006-11-17T06:38:00.000-08:00

The world seems to find pleasure in battering my dreams into pulp.

And no i'm not being melodramatic.

Keeping the dream alive. Amazing how I taught I had it all sorted out a few weeks ago, but now its all in one big mess. Maybe its a sign.

Aye. Ready to put up a fight?

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone

2006-11-10T18:50:00.000-08:00

10.30am might be too early in the morning for some. But for me on this very day, its been too much for a morning.

I think exams are getting the better of me. Take a look at my dreams at night:

I'm in AJC standing in a line to exit the school gates as a prisoner of war. The Soviets have attacked Singapore and we've been held up for a long time. The soldiers then pick some of us out to torture us. Somehow, my body goes with them to be torture but my spirit manages to leave the premises. Outside, I meet Jem a classmate of mine. I tell him about my plight and how I am going to suffer if he does not rescue me. I find a pogo stick and tell him that I we can both rescue my body together because I can jump back over the school gates with the stickHe turns and tells me "okok but I can't stay long, my mother is picking me up". I give up on him and hop off somewhere else to find help.

I am then back in school outside the staffroom frantic for help. I meet my history teacher Ms G and my band TIC Mdm F. I tell them that what they are looking at is merely my spirit and I'm equally puzzled at how the can see my spirit without flesh. MsG starts to panic because she hasn't till then realised the Soviets have attacked and is worried for her own danger and Mdm F still doesn't understand a word I say. Ms G tells me she has no time to rescue my body.

I then pogo stick myself out away from the school and... ARGH I can't remember who rescued me but in the end my body was safe and I wasn't tortured.

** Note to readers**
Soviets: I'm studying the Cold War for my history paper on Thursday.
Jem: Is just some classmate who said the exact same words to my friend and I the day before when we asked him to do something.
Ms G: Is my history teacher who doesn't realise how much shit we are in and that we are really going to fail out history. I'm not being mean but she really isn't giving us enough time.
Mdm F: My band TIC who is a chinese teacher and whom I can never communicate properly with because of the language barrier. I just happened to see her outside the staffroom a few days ago too.
Pogo stick: I was just telling my mum how much I wanted a pogo stick when I was younger but my godma refused to buy it for my birthday.

Solitares the only game in town.

2006-11-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

I finally understand why people choose to live in solitude. Its so much more peaceful this way.

Yet its all self-deception la. At the end of the day, when all the exams are over, I know I'll have to start facing people all over again. But it'll be different this time. No more i-hate-you-but-i-so-have-to-act-like-i-love-your-bullshit people. Ra has learnt la.

I just hope the people that I wanna see are still around la.

But theres always family. I understand it more and more.

When I was a kid, being the only-child always made me feel like I never needed family cos there was never anyone around anyway. But thats not true. Theres always kuku and theres always grandma. Everyone else is around sometimes but home is the place where I really feel most wanted and most appreciated.

See if I'd ever let people into this world of mine. People judge. They'd go "she's turning into a loser". But no. I'm no loser. You'd know that if you knew me at all. Nah, but they aren't interested in knowing me. All they wanna do is get above me.

Oh baby baby its a wild world.

Honest

2006-10-23T03:16:00.000-07:00

Today I shall be honest.

I am honestly scared.
I am fearful about my future.
I'm honestly afraid of loneliness.

I'm honestly not as strong as people might think I am.
I am quite fragile. So world, stop trying to test how breakable I am.

I am honestly tired.
I'm tired of people having perceptions about me that are not quite true.

I am honestly hurt.
I am hurt by people who are not so nice. Worse when I am nice to them.
I really don't know whats going on sometimes.
But I really don't want to ask.

I honestly believe that things are going to alrite.
Though I sometimes doubt it. I still do believe.

I honestly think that if I get too honest, no one will like it.

I honestly think no one should ever be truly madly deeply honest.
Because no one wants to know you, or listen to you. They just want to listen (not TO you but THEY wanna listen).

So lets all continue being liars. Lets just keep hiding ourselves from the world.
They like us that way.

Take my advise. OK?

jail for ra

2006-10-17T15:59:00.000-07:00

DID YOU KNOW...

In Singapore, you can be sent TO JAIL for illegal downloading?! But...

DO YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN?!

I swear it strikes me when I am happily clicking away downloading my next movie fix and the radio annouces that Singapore is stepping up on catching downloading pirates. Good job radio people! Ya'll quite effective la!

Still... They either make movies, VCDs, DVDs or rentals cheaper if they want people to stop downloading stuff. Its simple logic isn't it? But no... They raise the prices at cinemas and still want to clamp down on us victims. Obviously driving me into a corner right?

ARGH doomed. I'm no longer a child. I'll seriously be sent to jail.

BOOO to Indonesia

2006-10-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

I'm very angry at Indonesia today.

They are so damn helpless when it comes to disasters. I know I might sound slightly evil and heartless but they really need to learn to deal with their problems man. And whats wrong with the world and fate? Every damn disaster happens to them. Like HELLO BIG MAN have u not yet realised that they are the most useless bunch of ppl that cannot handle anything u hit them with. The freaking negative externalities are hitting a poor little girl right here in Marine Parade!!

Indonesia is so hell a demerit good.
(SMB = 0 SMC = INFINITE)

I can't breath nor see properly la. Its so damn depressing to look out of the window and not see the next building in broad daylight. I guess its like that all year long in Indonesia so they dont give a shit. But this little girl is also very used to seeing the trees and the flowers and the buildings around her!!

Very angry. HMPH.

So yesterday

2006-10-14T01:57:00.000-07:00

So everyone started blogging bout how they're sad to leave sch though the hate it to some extent.

Yeah there has been the good times. And then there were the life lessons I'd never forget.

These 2 years have moulded me even more. If one day I succeed, I'll look back and I would never say these years were a waste. I know for sure whatever I go on to do would be a result of expriences in JC.

But life is not about yesterdays or 'the last 2 years'. Its about todays and tommorows and the next 2 years to come. I teared yesterday not because I didn't wanna leave, but cos I knew I was going somewhere else. Its nice to know that even as we now we go on studying for exams and soon emerge into the world that there are people behind us, supporting us, telling us we can go on.

Here we are now, entertain us.

2006-10-13T06:11:00.000-07:00

So here goes. Something new eh?
Well I decided to shift my blog to kinda signify something new. A new phase of life and a new me. Yes it does sound slightly (ok more than slightly) cliche, but turning 18 and being at the crossroads of my life (yes still on cliche) is some bloody-hell important to me.

Currently Unwritten. (its a song title by a friend's band btw)

So today I graduated from Junior College. Tommorow I'll be waking up someone new. Not anymore a student, but a mere candidate at the upcoming A level exams. Soon after that, I'll be just one of those post-A-level part time workers and soon enough I'll blend into what half the boring world is - the working class.

The point is, my life is currently unwritten. But from now, I'll be writting my own story each and everyday. Each act, each scene will be played out in life and will be scribbled down right here on this blog.

I really don't know what might happen here. But I'm pretty excited to find out.