It's just very tiring. Filling my mind with everything but you. Its worse than running and running. At least when I run (which is seldom :P), I think about the destination, where I ran from and for how long more I want to run. But when trying to distract myself, its just no end, don't see the end of the road. Worse than running an endless race. At least if i were running, I'd be physically tired. Don't know where its going.
But I know where it came from. It originated from that mistake. You say it was my fault. Then I say it was so. At least there is then someone to blame. Myself I guess. Mistake followed by mistake.
And still making mistakes. Writing this post is a mistake. Letting it consume me is a mistake. Everything about you was a mistake. Take that. I've said it.
I suppose I've been aware but not totally conscience that I am one who seldom has lasting relationships. But for someone else to have made that observation about me finally makes it sound like a problem...
I'm not even talking about romantic relationships. Please there is always more to life that those. They happen and yes, they too end quickly most of the time but the other kinds of relationships that also bother me.
Blah Blah Blah. Temperamental me just decided to abandon whatever left I have to say about this issue. I might just discover and then reveal something about me that I don't quite want to deal with right now.
Fix You
Yes kill me now. Fix You not Fix It.
Aye same la same la.
Sarah2008
I swear I've no idea how that last post got so huge. Rargh.
Just dawned on me that as I restart blogging here, I'm no longer the same person who used to blog here one year ago. Well all my talk about wanting to find myself again this year is not totally bull but whatever happened the last year does not disappear and its consequences are here to stay. I bet anyone reading this would be wondering what on earth happened in 2007. Well lets just say it was eventful enough to be life-changing. Most years are that way no? Maybe when you're just 19 it is rightfully so.
SSF4G
Wow this is amazing.
I haven't written in exactly a year.
In fact I had stopped blog-visiting for quite awhile now since school started and all. Thanks to my cousin's still-surviving-blog, I linked to myself and poof! Here I am!
Been tempted recently to find a muse for my rants again. Don't quite want to take anything too public I guess. Cos that would force me to censor some of the things I say about myself? Well on the other hand, who wants to hear about your damn life Sarah?
What a 2007 it was. I guess it was kinda a long break for me. No focus, no direction and in the end... no destination. Gotta stop looking back at regrets and ''could haves''. Ultra determined to get myself back on track this year.
Somehow in the midst of swimming around life without any direction felt really lost towards the end. Like I was no longer who I used to be. What I was doing and what people might have been saying about me were a reflection of someone who I'd never thought I'd become. But thats all going to change.
New Year celebrations might be overrated. I guess some, like me, are just able to find some kinda warped pleasure in 'new beginnings' as cliche as it sounds. Yes change can be made at any point in the year. Yet I find a new year an added incentive to try again or to chart new direction. Though we don't get to start on a clean slate after being tainted by the years of experience, a new year signifies another period of time which one might measure his or her achievements, successes, failures and milestones.
Turning 20, Beijing 2008, F1 Night Racing, School, IFF.... What else will give meaning to this period which will be termed '2008'?
Brace Yourself.
Feels quite good to blog again.
