I dont think anyone comes here. Even if there was. You'd probably gotten sick of waiting so long of a post that you decided not to bother.
Just needed somewhere to pen down my thoughts.
Its been a crazy period. I don't know how I might look back in time and feel about this year in my life. I don't even know how to feel about it right now.
But there are now these three subjects: V, M and A. (I hope i'll remember what these stand for at least.)
To M: You bring me the most hope. I might say you are 'the one'. But I am not ready for you yet. You were supposed to appear years later. After I was tired and worn out. You would be the one who would pick me up and tell me its okay. I'm sorry if I seem to be unfair. But this is how I feel today. I hope I feel different tomorrow so that we don't risk you getting hurt.
To V: You bring me the most joy. I was crazy about you. Never knew if you felt as crazy towards you but 5 days ago I thought I did - you did. But now we're down and I don't even feel like I want things to move upwards anymore. I guess we're both tired of each other, tired of having to try and tired of failing. A part of me still hopes that we find hope and love. And I will give you the shot you asked for.
To A: You bring be the most love. You really set the standard in terms of being in love. But love is not all. Don't know if you will ever understand that. Maybe it is better that you don't. I wish you well most of all, wish that you one day find love again.
Aye distractions distractions. A million and another of them.
This song is funny. Heard it performed at the Esplanade during the Outdoor Theater launch last Saturday. Only towards the end did I realize that 'Falala' really meant 'Fly'. Somehow I thought it referred to 'fool around' or 'cheat on'. Pessimist have I declined into? I would like to think not.
Enjoyed the performances on Saturday thoroughly. The musicians, the acts, the keyboardist (wait, wasn't that also part of the 'musicians' category? ho ho i think she deserves special mention!), the Olivia's-favourite-singer who cannot wave his hands in the air without looking like a complete monkey, and of course the venue. That stage will always have a special place in my heart. (See! A stage can win my heart but not a person. Sucks)
You would think after one hasn't written on a blog site for such a long time that she'd had a lot to say. Sadly no I don't. In fact, I'd rather not say anything at all. Or not have a blog at all!
Yet, I have so been convinced by textbooks and lecturers that writing and recording down is precious. What is a thought if it isn't written down eh?
So here with my thoughts on the 'Falala Song' I begin my millionth attempt at writing.
It's just very tiring. Filling my mind with everything but you. Its worse than running and running. At least when I run (which is seldom :P), I think about the destination, where I ran from and for how long more I want to run. But when trying to distract myself, its just no end, don't see the end of the road. Worse than running an endless race. At least if i were running, I'd be physically tired. Don't know where its going.
But I know where it came from. It originated from that mistake. You say it was my fault. Then I say it was so. At least there is then someone to blame. Myself I guess. Mistake followed by mistake.
And still making mistakes. Writing this post is a mistake. Letting it consume me is a mistake. Everything about you was a mistake. Take that. I've said it.
I suppose I've been aware but not totally conscience that I am one who seldom has lasting relationships. But for someone else to have made that observation about me finally makes it sound like a problem...
I'm not even talking about romantic relationships. Please there is always more to life that those. They happen and yes, they too end quickly most of the time but the other kinds of relationships that also bother me.
Blah Blah Blah. Temperamental me just decided to abandon whatever left I have to say about this issue. I might just discover and then reveal something about me that I don't quite want to deal with right now.
I swear I've no idea how that last post got so huge. Rargh.
Just dawned on me that as I restart blogging here, I'm no longer the same person who used to blog here one year ago. Well all my talk about wanting to find myself again this year is not totally bull but whatever happened the last year does not disappear and its consequences are here to stay. I bet anyone reading this would be wondering what on earth happened in 2007. Well lets just say it was eventful enough to be life-changing. Most years are that way no? Maybe when you're just 19 it is rightfully so.
"When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse?" - Fix It, Coldplay
Now now, I think this world that we live in is rather warped. Sad songs and tales about love ring in our ears day in and day out from the moment we were exposed to mass media. Movies, novels, short-stories, songs and TV drama all tell stories of peoples' hearts being broken and about mistakes one shouldn't have made out of love. BUT DO WE LEARN?
In fact I had stopped blog-visiting for quite awhile now since school started and all. Thanks to my cousin's still-surviving-blog, I linked to myself and poof! Here I am!
Been tempted recently to find a muse for my rants again. Don't quite want to take anything too public I guess. Cos that would force me to censor some of the things I say about myself? Well on the other hand, who wants to hear about your damn life Sarah?
What a 2007 it was. I guess it was kinda a long break for me. No focus, no direction and in the end... no destination. Gotta stop looking back at regrets and ''could haves''. Ultra determined to get myself back on track this year.
Somehow in the midst of swimming around life without any direction felt really lost towards the end. Like I was no longer who I used to be. What I was doing and what people might have been saying about me were a reflection of someone who I'd never thought I'd become. But thats all going to change.
New Year celebrations might be overrated. I guess some, like me, are just able to find some kinda warped pleasure in 'new beginnings' as cliche as it sounds. Yes change can be made at any point in the year. Yet I find a new year an added incentive to try again or to chart new direction. Though we don't get to start on a clean slate after being tainted by the years of experience, a new year signifies another period of time which one might measure his or her achievements, successes, failures and milestones.
Turning 20, Beijing 2008, F1 Night Racing, School, IFF.... What else will give meaning to this period which will be termed '2008'?
